1. Deoderant
2. Toilet paper and facsimiles thereof (tissues, napkins, paper towels and even baby wipes will save your ass – bad pun – but if you’re out of all of ’em, you’re sunk)
3. Diapers, which is why you should always have cloth ones around the house, even if you don’t use ’em
4. Laundry detergent. Believe me, around here on a Monday, it’s a life or death substance.
5. Dog food, or you might find yourself cooking gourmet meals for the mind-controlling canines. Or missing a leg, depending on how easily hypnotised you are.
6. Toothpaste.
7. Light bulbs. You’re probably okay if you haven’t any spares and one burns out because, hey, you can wipe one out of the disused lamp in the basement, right? But when you’ve pilfered every little-used lamp and resort to filching your spouse’s bedside lamp bulb to light your own bedside lamp…… Wars have started with less.
8. Birth control. Should be perfectly obvious why.
9. Vacuum cleaner bags (or you could buy more dog food to feed the hairball dogs behind the chairs).
10. Advil. A very, very important vitamin.

Today, we ran out of six things on the top ten list.

Think I’ll just pack it in now, after I pry my leg out of the dog’s mouth and wrap my kid’s butt up in a towel….. if I ever get off the toilet and can go out in public without offending the nasal passages of those around me….. Man, Bufferin just doesn’t cut it….