What they don’t mention in the baby books and the nauseating and irritating “advice on how to raise your child correctly and in a psychologically sound fashion” books is that what you have signed on for is a running commentary on every moment of your goddamned life.

Never again will you do ANYTHING in the presence of your child without having comments made, questions asked and observations broadcast. You will never blow your nose in peace again. It is not possible for you to spill ANYTHING EVER without having your mistakes set into large, illuminated, block letters and hung in the sky above your house.


If you step in dog poop once, you are forever branded a dog poop stepper-inner. Heaven help you if you ever break a Christmas ornament.

Just do yourself a favour and close the bathroom door. You don’t want to give the little buggers ammunition.


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